How We Neglect our Children
Every time I hear a story about someone who has harmed their children, I feel outraged, sad, bewildered- I don’t think I even know anyone who would consider hurting their own kids. And I feel very confident that that could never be me- I would never do anything to injure my precious children. In fact, I arrange every day around my responsibility to care for and nurture them.
Or do I?
And when I’m around other families, I take notice of small ways that other parents neglect their children. “Ooh, those kids don’t even have their hair combed.” (Mine happen to be neatly arranged... today…) “Look at that arm-yanking, doesn’t she know that kid’s shoulders can separate easily? Keep your cool, lady, he’s four years old.” (I never lose it on my kids... in public…) “Wow, look at that line-up of cars picking their kids up from daycare, oh, and a baby, too! You’re letting someone else parent your kids, people.” (We are even careful not to leave them with babysitters... too often…)
But what is the whole story?
The public pieces of our family’s life are set in place according to a carefully chosen Biblical philosophy- nearly constant parental presence from birth (Dt. 6:7), taking full responsibility for all areas of teaching (Pr. 22:6), careful monitoring of all influences (Ps. 101:3) and giving them gradually increasing challenges to build character as they grow- in fact, the pieces are set in place in such a way as to leave no one room to accuse us of not fulfilling our God-given parental duties. Unless, of course, they are feeling guilty about their own choices in parenting, and are lashing out at us because “we think we have it all together”.
But do we have it all together?
I have my kids around me twenty-four hours a day. I have nearly complete control over what they see, hear, say, do, learn to appreciate. How do I invest that time? How do I invest in them? Do I make the most of these precious moments, and set everything else aside to follow God’s leading as a mother?
Or am I neglecting my children?
Let’s say, every day, a child needs 12 direct smiles with eye contact, 20 minutes of prayer specifically for their needs, half an hour of meaningful work alongside a parent with their undivided attention, eight hugs or other physical affection, 30 positive words of encouragement…. I could go on, but on the basis of those (100% made up) requirements, I have neglected my children, and I do every day. I have failed and it’s not even a close call.
We could also say: parenting is hard work, I have lots of children, I’ve got the big things in place, these are the little things, right? The real question is, what have I chosen to do instead of these “little things”? I have chosen cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, internet time, pleasure reading (not often!), planning and decorating the house, clothes shopping, tv shows, coffee with friends, phone distractions, running a business, you name it- all of these “necessary” things have replaced the “little things” and have made me a neglecter of my children.
Which child is more neglected- the one with uncombed hair or the one that hasn’t had an attentive hug? The one getting picked up from daycare or the one with mom around all day, paying little attention except to scold and remind? The one getting his arm yanked or the one hearing angry words?
Don’t try to tell me that the mother who doesn’t comb her kid’s hair is also unlikely to hug them- number one, not true, and number two, we are just excusing ourselves. Let’s take the spotlight off of other parents and their failings and fall on our knees to ask the Lord for help to examine ourselves in the light of His Word and His delights for our families.
